The Unfaithful Boyfriend
by : Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Question:
Hello! My boyfriend tells me that he wants to be with me but he can't be faithful. He says that he'd rather be a friend with me than for me to hate him for the rest of my life. I see hope between us, but at the same time I'm having a problem understanding why men cheat when they have a good woman. I'm afraid that if I drop all conversation with him, he'll already be moving away when he comes to his senses. I can't keep him from having sex with some other girl, because at this point he is not my man. I just don't know should I continue to talk with him or not. The bad part about it is that he knows what he is doing is wrong, and he knows that in order for us to be together he has to commit to me. Maybe if I make him suffer, he'll start to re-think our relationship and start to remember what it was like when it was good. Once again thank you for your opinion and please respond back.
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Answer:
Hello! Women often make the mistake of trying to impose their own needs on men. Men are pre-programmed by nature to have sex with as many women as possible. Sex has nothing to do with love to men. Sex is a biological necessity; love an emotional one. Women have a much more difficult time breaking these up. That is why men can still be in love with one woman and have sex with others. It's nature's way of insuring that our species survived as long as it has. It's only be the past 5,000 years or so that we've tried to make things different. That isn't to say that men don't want to be monogamous. They are concerned about their partners and her feelings and many men successfully stay true to a single partner their entire lives. Thus, it's difficult to draw a parallel between what a "good woman" is to a man compared to a "good man" to a woman.
Women have evolved to try to establish pair bonds as a way to insure the greatest possible success for her family. Two parents greatly increase the likelihood of the survival of children in many ways. So, all that said, where does this leave you? First, this is the reason why "making him suffer" isn't a good strategy. He's not "committed" to you by his own admission, and feels he needs to pursue other women. Even if you talked him into it, he's not really going to accept is as his own. Second, it appears that you want something for him that he doesn't want himself. That's a difficult proposition to try to enforce.
What can you do? Frankly, there's not too much you can do other than to:
1) Try to get him to change his mind and be the monogamous partner you want him to be,
2) Be with him, knowing that he may not be faithful, but that he loves you; or,
3) Move on and find someone that DOES share the same goals you have. I'd hate for you to spend a huge amount of time and effort trying to make someone something they're not, only to wind up right where you are now. If you're goals are different from his why not turn that energy into finding someone that DOES share your relationship goals?
Many people make the mistake of believing that there is only on "soul mate" for them in the world. In fact, there are thousands! Who knows how many of them you've past on waiting for this guy to the man you want him to be? It's something to think about anyway. Good luck, much love....
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com. Copyright (c) 2002, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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